Alone

INNER ME

Have you ever feel the feeling of being alone even though you have someone you can rely on?

I wrote this 'Inner me' so that I can express my thoughts that I had been kept for years.

I feel so alone, I don't know why.

Thoughts are rounding in my mind.

I've been so paranoid for what will happen in the near future. 

I'm not showy in my feelings even though I am always smiling like ediwow. So that, my friends can think that I'm okay which is not.

No one can understand me, I guess.

I'm weird.

I don't have friends in my current school, I have one but sometimes I felt like that they're hiding something on me.

I'm not good in everything but I'm trying my best just to be one of them.

That is my why I'm missing hubert, arthur and harvey, my real friends. I wish I can go back in time so I can change my decision  to not transfer in different school with them.

I have my seat mate to talk too but  am I not approachable?

I have my clubs in school but am I not trust worthy?

That is why I don't want to attend school anymore but I have dreams that only school can fulfill. I want my family to be proud of me.

Yes, family. I'm doing everything just for my family not for myself. I once asked my mama when she called me to eat, "Bakit kailangan pang kumain kung mamamatay rin naman tayo?" then I received a slap. Yes, she slapped me and answered, "Para mabuhay, para ma-experience ang buhay."

Her answer motivates me.

Her answer gives me more reasons to live. 

Her answer becomes my motto.

But still not contented, I have my family but insecurities kill me like hell.

I am a second child in family, second son. I'm doing my best just to be in first but my mama won't see me. I don't know but the thought of she is never be proud of my existing, maybe because I do look like my father who left his family just to be with other girl, maybe not. I always compete to my big brother, I'd been excel in everything but still the second. Mama, it is really so hard to be proud of me? It is really so hard to choose me first before anything else.

I also miss Ma'am sharon, the only person who can understand me.

I am a silent killer, I'm killing myself in my own thoughts.

I always say in myself, "Sana friday na"

For what? So I can be with my church mate, I can be with them.

Church 

The only place I can comfortable on, I don't want to leave our church so I can't commit sin.

But still feeling alone.

I love you all guys.

This is me, always the happiest person you know, the not-so-smart-but-trying-to-do-everything friend.

and this is the inner me, the saddest and loneliest you have ever met.

Wait for my another post.